Finding stuff

Hey! Thanks for checking out my blog. I had my abortion in Dec 2008, so you can find most of the posts about the nitty gritty by clicking on "2008" in the blog archives, and checking out things from there.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

O! I get it, the healthcare system is broken.

Ok, I finally figured it out. Planned Parenthood sent them a bill for $1,000+, and my insurance company analysed it and decided that based on the agreements they have for huge discounts to insurance companies, that the bill should have been about $275, and that much money was applied to my deductible. Since I payed $525, they have to pay me back for the difference. But if I cant get that money back, I will still only have $275 applied to my deductible. They made this as unclear as possible in the weird letter they wrote me. I will be doubly screwed if I can't get that money back and end up needing to spend my entire deductible.

An important thing to note here (that probably the whole world except me knew) is that the insurance system is based on these huge discounts for insurance companies and people with insurance. In other words, if I didnt have insurance... I would have paid quite a bit more for the same service. Basically, uninsured people are being totally fucked over- their medical care prices are absurdly high compared to other people's. Even a place like Planned Parenthood that does sliding scale based on income, has to accept lower payments from the insurance companies and insured then from their poorest uninsured clients. Ok, I'm not actually sure what their lowest sliding scale rate is for abortion, but I think I heard $300 once. I am not sure. But I bet it is not less than, say, $250.

This is not really about abortion, it was exactly the same situation for my co-worker's daughter who was getting her appendix removed. The hospital could only get a little over half the money they would have been able to bill if she were uninsured. So, with insurance it was a $4,000 procedure counting co-payments and what the insurance company paid. If she were uninsured, it would have been a $7,000 procedure. Now that's what I call fair. Thanks, capitalism!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Insurance is so confusing.

So I talked to my insurance company, and they said lots of things in insurance language that made no sense.

The gist of it (I think) was that the amount planned parenthood quoted me for the cost of the abortion was probably discounted based on my income(since they are a non-profit and do that kind of thing), but since I had insurance my insurance was charged the full cost (which was indeed over $1,000).

Also- this thing they sent me that looks like a bill is not. It is telling me how much I should have owed to Planned Parenthood after my insurance paid their portion, which was $254.13. But, I paid $525. So Planned Parenthood owes me the difference and my insurance company could care less because it isn't their money that is in question. It's mine. So I have to sort it out myself. I've tried calling the billing phone number at planned parenthood for a while, and it reminds me of this other time I was trying to reach them on the phone....

Ussually I would go to my parents to help me figure out this sort of insurance stuff, or to the person in my office who deals with insurance stuff. But my parents are prochoice politically but not personally, and I have no idea what my co-worker thinks on the topic and don't want deal with pity or condemnation in the workplace. It just wouldnt be pleasant.

So I'm done trying to deal with this for today. I guess I will try again tomorrow.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Pseudo-science detectors!!

I came across this blog entry about detecting pseudo-science, and thought "What a handy-dandy thing for women and girls trying to learn the facts about abortion!"

This list seems more geared towards avoiding being sold miracle cures, but I still think a lot of this is relevant for identifying the propoganda of the prolife movement and their bajillions of pseudoscience-based lies. Get the full story here or just read the summary I took from that blog.

I thought about inserting a comment or email I have recieved from a pseudo-science flinging prolifer for each of these points, to demonstrate how they use each of these forms of deception, but don't want to make this post too long. The rest of this post is copied and pasted from the Defaithed blog.

Red flags warning of pseudoscience

1. Appeal to Authority
Celebrity endorsements, lab coats, fancy degrees or certifications... all distractions that point to the impressiveness of the claimant, not the truth of the claim.

2. Ancient Wisdom
Commonly seen attached to "alternative" medical therapies, and a pet peeve of mine – lots of "ancient wisdom" will get you killed! As Brian points out: all that matters is not the age of the "wisdom", but simply this: Does it work?

3. Confirmation Bias
The tendency to remember events that coincide with beliefs, and ignore or forget those that don't. Confirmation bias is one of the worst sloppy-thinking offenders, in my opinion - and one of the hardest for us to overcome.

4. Confusion of Correlation with Causation
Another common sticking point for many people. Brian's example: You'll find correlation between rice consumption and black hair, but not causation.

5. Red Herrings
Irrelevant information that distracts without addressing facts.

6. Proof by Verbosity
Information overload to create the appearance of comprehensiveness and thorough research. It's quantity over quality.

7. Mystical Energy
"Chi", "negative energy", "positive energy"... Brian suggests that you replace any mention of "energy" with the word's actual meaning - "measurable work capability" - and ask whether the claim still makes sense.

8. Suppressed by Authorities
Conspiracy! Beware! Yet... Why would pharmaceutical giants suppress miracle cures... or automakers squelch super-efficient engines... instead of embracing and profiting wildly from those discoveries?

9. All Natural
Yes, a pseudoscience health supplement may be "all natural"... but so are poison oak, scorpion venom, lead, mercury, bubonic plague, black holes... Natural doesn't mean safe!

10. Ideological Support
Causes that use courts, marches, campaigns, and so on to push a belief may be fueled more by indeology than by science.

Make pseudoscience detectors part of your toolkit

The above is hardly a complete list, as Brian takes pain to point out. But I'm going to memorize the list and, as he suggests, watch how often they turn up in daily life. Sounds like a great toolkit for tackling nonsense head-on!

Incidentally, I highly recommend the Skeptoid podcast. Each episode plays like a mystery story, with a detective digging up the facts to lay some case of the unexplained to rest. Give it a listen!

Follow up appointment

My appointment was at 11, which is apparently around when the clinic escorts and protesters pack up their bags and go home.

There were a few lingering protesters chitchatting with eachother but not really bothering anyone (or at least not bothering me). I was a little more intimidated about having to go past protesters since I was going by myself this time and I didnt see any of my orange-vested friends, but it wasn't really a problem.

The clinic escort volunteers were inside, also chitchatting, and packing up their little orange vests for next time.

When I signed in I tried to get help with the insurance issue:

"Yea, you guys sent a $1,000+ bill to my insurance company even though I already payed for the abortion when I was here (and it was $525, not $1000+). Why? Can you un-do that?" but they pretty quickly let me know that this wasn't their problem, and gave me the number to the billing office. I'll tackle that problem later because I have a cold, and am just not feeling up for it.

They called my name after a while, I peed in a cup, they pricked my finger to do some blood test, took my temperature and bloodpressure.

I was really hoping I would get to keep my pants on for the whole appointment, but no, I had to get an ultrasound. Continuing the trend of stressing me out with ultrasounds, the lady who did the ultrasound had this conversation with me:

"Do you have ovarian cysts or something?" she says with furrowed brow.

"Um, I don't know. I don't know what that means."

"Well, there is something on your ultrasound. It isnt a pregnancy, but there is something there. You may need to talk to your regular gynecologist about this."

Ooooooookay. Then I was sent to the recovery room, which is the waiting room with the reclining chairs and heat pads for everyone. Very nice place, but one girl was puking every now and then into a red biohazard bag.

I was there for about an hour, and then they sent me and the 3 other women who didnt need the fancy chairs and heating pads back to the regular waiting room which was jam packed. I waited there for another hour.

An older woman was there with her daughter (I think), and was talking loudly about the importance of choice (amongst other things). She said when she was a teenager, she had friends getting abortions in back alleys and she was always scared for them, knowing what a huge risk it was. "Women have to have a choice, and I'm so glad it's safe now for women to make choices." I wanted to talk to her more and hear her stories, but I was feeling a little shy.

While I sat in the waiting room, I couldn't help but wonder what the hell was on my ultrasound. My "not-pregnancy". I texted my boyfriend about it, and he texted back, "what could it be? Is it a tumor?" I tried not to worry, because I have no idea what sorts of things can be floating around in or on wombs, and maybe there are some perfectly harmless things. But generally, I was pretty stressed out about it.

Eventually my name was called (it had been about 2 hours since my ultrasound). Me and one other young woman were called back, and waited in the room where my blood was taken earlier.

"Is this your follow up?" She asked, and I said yes. "Which kind did you have?"

"The medical kind" I said.

She said, "me too. Was it really bad?"

"No," I said, "not too bad."

"Oh, mine was kinda bad."

"Did it hurt a lot?" I asked.

"Yea, I mean, it wasn't sooo bad, but for the first few hours-"

The nurse came in and interrupted her, and took me back to an exam room. I wanted to hear what this young woman had to say because I have no one else to compare abortion pill stories with at this point, and I bet she has no-one either. Typing into the void is somewhat helpful, but what I really want is to be able to talk. And I also really want to listen. I just want women to be able to talk to eachother, but I know for most of us we have to keep our lips sealed to protect us from other people's judgement. So chances for conversations like the one we almost had are rare, and I was genuinely sad to lose the chance to continue talking.

The doctor came in and asked how it went, I said fine, and asked what was on my ultrasound. "Oh, nothing" he said.

"Nothing? She said there was something there." The "she" I was referring to was in the room but said nothing. I don't know what her background is- if she is a nurse or what.

"It looks fine to me. Sometimes they just look like that. What kind of birth control do you use or do you want to start using?" (Wait, look like what? huh?)

"I want the NuvaRing," I said, instead of pushing for a better explanation of my ultrasound.

"Ok," he said. Shook my hand, and left.

A little while later I was given my prescription.

I thought about my 2 minute doctor appointment that I had waited several hours for, and was generally dissatisfied. I had been given too much time to worry about my "not pregnancy" to just accept that all was fine. And I was still supremely cranky about the insurance mess up, and the combination made me feel generally distrustful of the clinic. So I asked for a copy of the ultrasound, filled out the necessary paperwork to get copies released to me, and left.

I am not 100% sure what to do with the ultrasound photos. I think I will bring them to a different gyno when I go to get a papsmear, and just ask them to take a look and tell me what they think. I would normally go to planned parenthood for gyno appointments, but I wonder if I should find a different place to get my 2nd opinion.

So that's it for now. Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Now this is happening.

I just got a bill from my insurance company.

Planned Parenthood sent them a bill FOR OVER $1,000. They want me to pay $200.

Since I already payed for my abortion, I believe this means they charged me once and my insurance company TWICE.

Currently, my insurance company's customer service office is closed, because it's freaking Christmas Eve, and they just totally messed up my evening.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Follow up appt postponed

I was supposed to have my followup appt today, at 11. But around 9, when I was still asleep, I got a phone call from planned parenthood telling me they had to cancel all appointments for that day because they didn't have a doctor in. It was rescheduled for next week. I was hoping to spend next weekend with my family, but I guess now I'll have to come back for the appointment early. Okay, thanks for messing up my holidays!

I fell back asleep, and then the phone rang again. It was another person from planned parenthood telling me my appointment had been cancelled. She said, "hello, I'm calling to cancel your appointment."
"yea, someone already called," I said.
"Oh, ok," she said, and hung up.

I think its weird that no one seemed to think an apology was in order... how can they just cancel people's appointments? I would have asked more questions, but I was half asleep. I briefly pondered the idea that this was some anti-choice nutjob calling pretending to be planned parenthood to mess with me, but I'm pretty sure they don't have my phone number or know when my dr.'s appointments are.

I'm generally pretty annoyed about the whole thing, but feel worse for the women who were going for abortions today and were made to reschedule. That's just fucked up. We need women's clinics to be reliable, because it's our bodies and our health and it's just really pretty important.

Planned Parenthood emailed me today asking for donations, and it just sort of pissed me off. I mean, obviously they need more money. And more women need access to their services, and we sure as hell need someone standing up for women against the anti-choicers. But also they obviously need to get their shit together. At least the location near me. I've been to a different one before for regular check ups, and they seemed much more one top of things. You know, answering the phone, making sure doctors show up for work, not cancelling people's appointments 2 hours before hand etc. I know they do their best with limited resources, but I really expect more from them.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The Girl Effect

I don't know a lot about this group, but I like that they are investing in girl's and women. I'm glad someone is standing up for girls like Kidan.

If you want to get me holiday gift or just make me smile, you should give them a donation.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Author of Un-Expecting in Choice USA

I like this post so much, I'm copying a bunch of quotes here, but you should probably just read the whole thing.

"When I started searching I wasn’t looking for political or religious discussions. All I wanted was to know where to go, what to do, and what it would feel like. I wanted to know that all these crazy symptoms and emotions that I’m experiencing are normal. I wanted to hear first-hand from girls who’ve had abortions, whether in the recent weeks or decades earlier. I wanted to know why they did it and how it went and what happened afterwards. I wanted to look up abortion the same exact way I would look up a hotel I’ve never stayed in or a diet I’m thinking of trying. I wanted to hear honest pros and cons. I wanted tips about things like what anesthesia option to pick or how to keep my morning sickness and mood swings from driving me (and my boyfriend) nuts in the weeks before the surgery."

"There is such a taboo about this incredibly common surgery that keeps many of us from discussing it freely with even our closest of friends, but online I’ve found a new group of women to share with. Perhaps someday abortion will be no less polemic than getting ones wisdom teeth pulled, but until then I’m hoping that by putting my (admittedly nervous) voice out there I am in some tiny way helping to make that a reality. And maybe the next group of girls that type the word abortion into the search box will be a little more encouraged by the results."

High fives to all the awesome pro-choice abortion bloggers out there!

Post abortion update

At this point I'm done with bleeding, my boobs are back to their normal size, and all is well. I'm done with the antibiotics, too. I took them for a week.
I have my followup appointment on Saturday- I will of course tell you all about it.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Prolifers: this is not your forum.

Im trying to keep this blog as generally a resource for women who are planning to abort, and not a place for prolifers to debate me, or make jabs at my politics or personal choices.

You can do that on your own blogs.

I will post prolife ranting if it is:

a) Funny, and short.
b) Something I feel like commenting on.
c) Actually interesting or relevant in my opinion (but it probably isn't).

I am more likely to post it if it is in response to this post, since hey, this post is about you guys. And also that would make it easy for people to avoid if they aren't interested.

Study on post-abortion mental health

There's a lot of things I like about science. The search for truth and reason, the struggle to avoid personal bias, and the attention to detail in methodology. And the mind-bogglingly awesome things that are figured out through science. I mean, I really love science.

Of course, science is really hard to do well, because you have to set your cultural values aside and have a thorough understanding of what your personal biases could be, and the excellent skills to keep them from affecting your study. That isn't so hard when you are studying something like... whether or not the 11-aminoacid long Tarsal-less peptides trigger a cell signal in Drosophila leg development (they do, FYI).

But it is a little trickier when you are studying something socially charged- like women's mental health after abortion. But the fact that it is hard means we need good science even more. There is so much crap out there, and a huge misinformation campaign by the prolife movement.

I wanted to share some information from a recent study by the American Psychological Association.

This was a review of several studies in the last 20 years. They found:

"A critical evaluation of the published literature revealed that the majority of studies suffered from methodological problems, often severe in nature."

In other words, the prolife movement has produced a lot of pseudo-science to back up their beliefs, but close examination shows extensive problems with their methods. No shocker there, but the prolifers will use those studies to try and refute this thorough review which found:

“The best scientific evidence published indicates that among adult women who have an unplanned pregnancy the relative risk of mental health problems is no greater if they have a single elective first-trimester abortion than if they deliver that pregnancy.”

“The few published studies that examined women’s responses following an induced abortion due to fetal abnormality suggest that terminating a wanted pregnancy late in pregnancy due to fetal abnormality appears to be associated with negative psychological reactions equivalent to those experienced by women who miscarry a wanted pregnancy or who experience a stillbirth or death of a newborn, but less than those who deliver a child with life-threatening abnormalities.”

“This review identified several factors that are predictive of more negative psychological responses following first-trimester abortion among women in the United States. Those factors included perceptions of stigma, need for secrecy, and low or anticipated social support for the abortion decision; a prior history of mental health problems; personality factors such as low self-esteem and use of avoidance and denial coping strategies; and characteristics of the particular pregnancy, including the extent to which the woman wanted and felt committed to it. Across studies, prior mental health emerged as the strongest predictor of post-abortion mental health. Many of these same factors also predict negative psychological reactions to other types of stressful life events, including childbirth, and, hence, are not uniquely predictive of psychological responses following abortion.”

There is so much fascinating stuff in this report, and I encourage you to peruse. I haven't read the whole thing yet (it's pretty darn long) but am going to keep looking through it.

As for my mental health, I'm pretty much in the same place I was before the abortion. I'm still insecure about the things I'm insecure about, but overall I'm generally happy with myself, and doing a-ok. I attribute the fact that I am not having post-abortion anxiety or depression to the fact that I am loved and supported by my community, and that I don't buy the prolife hype.

Friday, December 12, 2008

blood, boobs, etc.

At this point, things are pretty much back to normal physically (almost).

I am no longer feeling sluggish or tired all the time. I am back to my normal energy level, and am enjoying things like walking to work again.

My boobs aren't as big as they were before the abortion, but are still bigger than normal. They still are a little sensitive, and hurt if someone hugs me too tight or something.

This bleeding thing seems a bit unpredictable. When I get my period, it starts out heavy, and then gets lighter each day until it stops. Yesterday I didnt bleed for almost the whole day, and just when I thought I could stop wearing pads I started bleeding again. Not just spotting, it was a lot of blood, but then seemed to stop again after a couple hours. I have switched from the max absorbency pads to thinner ones, but still expect to be wearing pads of some kind for a while.

Side note- I'm pretty sure that nausea thing the other day was from taking the antibiotics on an empty stomach, and not really directly related to the abortion. Apparently I have a bit of a senstive stomach.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Woot!!! I think I'm done. :)

I've decided the worst part of having an abortion is the days of heavy bleeding afterwards. Not that it's painful, it's just annoying and constant. And I hate having to wear pads. I don't mind having my period in general- but it's ussually pretty light compared to what I've heard from other women, and its easy enough to manage with my keeper. It generally does not interfere with my life the way this post abortion blood thing does. I feel like without my keeper or tampons, it's just too messy. I really really didn't like it.
For 3 days, things seemed to have no hope in sight of the blood flow lightening. It was like the heaviest period ever.
And then today, practically no blood at all. It was like someone turned off a faucet, and now I'm done. There is still some spotting- clearly there is still a bit more for my body to clear out. But for the most part, I think it's a done deal. Shweet.

When Abortion was Illegal...

History we all need to know.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

We ain't gonna take it!

This video, sent by prochoice activists to the prolife group that harasses women going into clinics, got a bit of press:

I think it is interesting that the prolifer said, "In 30 years [fighting abortion], I've not seen anything quite so nasty." I guess most pro-choice folks have been playing nice for the most part. I can think of lots of nastier things the prolife movement has done in the last 30 years... like bomb clinics.

Late to work today

I was late to work today because just as I was about to leave, I started feeling not so good at all, and needed to just stay sitting down.
I got a bad cramp, and nauseated.
I knew it wouldn't last long, and it wasnt that terrible, but it was frustrating because I just couldn't go to work until it was over (which took about 20 minutes).
I feel fine now, for the most part.
Luckily, my boss knows whats up.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

And the good Lord said, "Though shalt make many lie-filled websites, in order to force my will upon the world and confuse the masses."

Remember when you are looking at things on the web that pretty much anyone can make a website. There is as much if not more bad information as there is good, helpful information on the internet.

Here's an example:

You would think this would be.... prochoice? You'd be wrong.

I didn't read all of their information, but here is what it says about ru-486 (the abortion pill which I used).

"You have the right to know that this drug has an unsafe record and bad side effects. Unlike the FDA's scientific approval of all other drugs, this drug was approved for use by women based on it's profit potential for the abortion industry and political pressure from their cult like followers. Many cases of abortion related deaths are aggressively disputed, and those who report them are subject to intimidation."

Let's get one thing straight, and this is a very important thing prolifer's hate for women to know: significantly more women die or are seriously harmed giving birth than having abortions. That's the fact, jack! (But don't just take it from me, do your homework reading reliable sources, such as medical journals). Pregnancy is risky business from start to finish, regardless of whether you terminate early or let it go to term. This is one of the main reasons we need access to abortions: pregnancies put our bodies at risk. We need to be able to make our own choices about how to handle those risks.

"The abortion industry"??? Do they mean the network of non-profits that are constantly struggling to provide more services for more women with less and less funding? The FDA doesn't really give a rats ass whether or not they are keeping afloat financially.

"Cult like followers"? Is that me? Um, I'm the atheist here, k? k. Also, the FDA restricted American women's access to this safe effective medication for years while women in Europe used it successfully. Why? Because of pressure of cult-like followers.... perhaps like's author? Hmmmm? Yes.

"Worst of all this could be given to you with out you knowing. For this reason alone, women should fight to ban it's use."

Ok now.... If you've been reading my blog you know a thing or 2 about taking the abortion pill. For example IT NEEDS TO DISSOLVE IN YOUR CHEEK FOR 30 MINUTES. It's really hard to trick someone into accidentally dissolving 4 pills in their mouths for 30 minutes. The first pill, which is just swallowed, is always taken in front of a doctor. But maybe to make this woman feel safer, we should ban any drug that someone could sneak into her food... like medications for cancer, diabetes, hypertension, painkillers, etc. Or we could just keep the prescription system, which has done a pretty good job of regulating who gets which drugs.

2 days later

It's still like I'm having a heavy period.
I HATE having to wear pads all the time. I never wear pads normally, because they feel icky and squishy and gross. I'm very tempted to forget about the "nothing in the vagina for 2 weeks" rule and just use my keeper. (If you don't already know about keepers, see here: Apparently this would put me at risk of infection, and should not be done. But I'm on antibiotics anyway... could it really be so risky? Then again, I really don't want to make this process any longer or mess up my sea monkey tank or irritate my coochie snorcher. (I know... Biology nerds should call things by their real names. Oh well.)

I'm still feeling kinda sluggish. I'm not supposed to do anything strenuous for 2 weeks, and I'm not really tempted to so far. I ussually like walking to work, but for the last week or so it has made me really really tired, and it takes longer than it did before.

I wish I could sleep in more often.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Abortion: The Musical! Dedicated to Sarah Palin. Ha.

I really love Amanda Palmer.

How it all went...

After I rinsed down the buccal meds, I started to feel uncomfortable within a few minutes.

I pooped, felt nauseous, my head hurt a little and I started to get crampy. The worst part about it was that any time I started to feel something uncomfortable or painful, I thought to myself "this is only going to get worse, and last for many hours." That wasnt actually the case, and if I had realized how short the worst of it would be, it probably wouldn't have made me as stressed out.

I felt very weak, like I wasnt going to be able to stay sitting on the toilet if I needed to. This may have been the anti-nausea meds making me drowsy, but I'm not sure. The cramps got worse- they were pretty bad. I went to my room and curled up in a ball, and asked my boyfriend to get me ibuprofen. I took 4 of them.

About 5 minutes later I went to the bathroom sat on the toilet, and then pretty unexpectedly puked into the bath tub in front of me. I immediately felt much better, and was glad I puked for about 2 minutes...

And then I realized I may have just puked up the abortion pill too soon and stopped the process. I started to panic. My cramps were decreasing... I was only bleeding a tiny bit... my head felt ok. It had only been 15-20 minutes after I had washed down the meds with water. Clearly, I had just messed up. I thought to myself "I might have pooped too soon after the anti-nausea meds (it had been an hour, and the thing said it was ok to poop after an hour, but maybe it wasnt enough time) which must have made me pukey."

So I made my boyfriend call the pharmacy. The pharmacist told him it was probably fine because buccal meds are absorbed in the mouth more than the stomach, which did not comfort me much at all because they really hadnt dissolved as much as I expected in that 30 minutes, and I had swallowed some pretty big pieces. She said we needed to call the doctor to find out what to do.

So we called the emergency number that planned parenthood gave us. They took down our number, and said a nurse would call us back. She did within a few minutes, and when I started to talk to her I started crying. Not because something hurt, I was just really really stressed out and worried I had done everything wrong. I told her about the puking, and the ibuprofen and she was very comforting and told me it was fine because I had held the meds down for more than 15 minutes. She said I puked because of the ibuprofen, and that I shouldnt take more than 3 at a time, and have them with food. She told me to stay away from alcohol, caffeine, junk food etc and to eat something really easy on the stomach like soup, or toast. She was very nice, and made sure all of my questions were answered before we got off the phone.

After I hung up, and thought a little about food I realized I was absolutely starving. My boyfriend made me a tuna melt, and I scarfed it down and asked him to make me more, which I also scarfed down. I still felt crampy, but it wasnt as bad as it was during the first 15 minutes. The nurse had told me the bleeding would get worse, and for whatever reason I took that to also mean that everything would get worse. It didn't. I continued to feel weak/drowsy for the rest of the night, and still had cramps when I fell asleep but nothing too terrible. I didn't take any more pain meds because I didnt really need them at that point (the hot pad was enough), and ended up not really needing them. I felt a little bloated, and wished I had thought to buy midol. I watched zombie movies in bed, and everyonce in a while I would realize I was about to bleed a lot and go to the bathroom and bleed a lot. It wasnt really terribly uncomfortable. I knew when the pregnancy came out, and caught it in my hand so I could look at it (I know, that's a little gross, but I was curious). It was like a tiny red jelly fish, slightly bigger than a quarter. It looked like a sac, and I could see little veins on it. I think what I could actually see was the yolk sac, or at least that was what seemed destinguishable without a microscope.

This is what an embryo looks like at 4-5 weeks (probably close to where I was):

Compare to actual sea monkey:

Sorry I didnt take a picture of my little thinga-mahoojit, it was sort of interesting. I'm also sorry I didnt have a microscope so I could look at it up close and see if I could distinguish the yolk sac from anything else. I also wish I could have donated it to stem cell research or something.

As expected, the bleeding got lighter after that. The cramps didnt change much, but when I woke up this morning I was cramp free for the most part. I've had a few cramps here and there (yup! There's one now), approximately the same as in the previous week, perhaps a little more frequent. It's like I'm having a heavy period, except I have to use pads because I'm not allowed to put things in my vagina.

I forgot to start my antibiotics this morning and I forgot to take extra pads with me to work. So I guess I'm going home for lunch.

Sunday, December 7, 2008


I've got the buccal meds in my cheek where they are supposed to dissolve for 30 minutes. They taste like nothing, and they are hexagon shaped. There are 4 of them.
There are too many people in the house, all male, and its stressing me out. I really really really want them to leave. One of them is oblivious to what's going on, and I think he just got in the shower. FUCK. I really really really need the bathroom to be accessible.
Now my mouth is chalky, but it still tastes like nothing. Not too bad. After half an hour I can wash it down with water, and just swallow whatever pieces are left. But it doesnt seem to be getting that much smaller. What if it has barely dissolved at all?

The Big Scary Day

So, I went to take my anti-nausea suppository which I'm supposed to take 30 minutes before the other meds. And then, only then did I remember the nurse told me to put the suppository in the refrigerator as soon as I got home. Damn it!

The only number they gave me was for emergencies like "If you pass blood clots larger than lemons for more than 2 hours".

This wasnt really an emergency, I just didnt know if I could take the meds or not. I tried googling it, no luck. There is no info for in case you mess up the instructions. Plenty of websites reminded me it should indeed be refrigerated. So I decided to call a pharmacy. I wasnt sure if they would give me advice since I didnt get it from them, but nobody asked. I just told them what the med was, and asked if it was ok that I forgot to refrigerate it. The pharmacist told me it might have melted in warmer months, but it was fine if it was still in a solid form. So we were good.

It was really hard not to poop it out immediately. But after about 10 minutes it was ok. Now I need to take the buccal (dissolve btwn cheek and gums) meds.

After the Clinic

After the clinic stuff we went to a drug store with a shopping list:

1)Pads of varying thickness levels.

2)Baby wipes.



5)Heating pad

Then we went to eat cheeseburgers.

That night I was mostly fine. I got a little nauseous when I tried to eat dinner, and more nauseous later that night for about 30 minutes. It kind of freaked me out because I thought I wasnt supposed to have symptoms from the first pill. But other than that I was fine. I had bled an itty bitty bit by the next morning.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Clinic Day- Part 2

So the Clinic was really crowded. But the lady at the front desk was really nice. Everyone working there was nice and approachable, and no one was weird or pissy like I thought they might be. Everyone did their best to be nice, sensitive, and explain anything and everything thoroughly. Yes, there were a lot of us in the clinic, but I didn't feel like I was ever treated with anything other than respect, and compassion. Never like a number.

K and I spent most of our day in the waiting room. I had a book of Soduko, and tore out some pages to give to other women in the waiting room. Having a buddy I think really helps. Bring a buddy if you can. If you don't have a buddy you can bring, maybe ask one of the escorts if they will come in and hang out with you. I bet they would. Or just maybe just befriend the person sitting next to you. Or just bring your favorite book.

Eventually they called my name to take my blood and do the ultrasound. Ok ladies- this was my first surprise of the day. I really thought ultrasound was like in the movies where they rub jelly on your belly, and rub some thing around on the belly. Like this, right?

Not my ultrasound

Well... perhaps that's what they do in the third trimester. But in the clinic, the ultrasound involves getting this dildo thing (thin, plastic with a well lubed condom thing on it)put in your coochie snorcher and wiggled around a bit.

See the thing on the side of the computer? That's for having a look-see in coochie snorchers.

She asked if I wanted to see, and I said yes.

But she couldn't find anything. She looked at my chart and saw that my last period was only 5 weeks ago. "Hmm.. " she said. "The doctor will have to make a decision, but you may have to come back later, or this could be an ectopic pregnancy."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" I screamed. Ok, actually I just nodded calmly. But I screamed in despair on the insides. Ectopic pregnancies, outside the womb, are all sorts of complicated. That would suck so very much. And I also really didnt want to come back. Uggghh...

Surprise #2. The blood test showed I was Rh negative. I'll expand more on this at some point, but I'm getting tired of typing and trying to get to a few more things before I close up the blog for the evening. But I wasnt happy about it. It meant more money, an intramuscular shot, and for a brief moment made me panic and think I would not be able to have other kids. I'll be fine, it turns out. If I had tried to do an herbal abortion at home (which I briefly considered) or if the laws were different and I didnt get to do this in a medical setting, I might have ruined my ability to get pregnant again.

So.. then there was a lot more waiting around and then I guess what was my "counseling session." This was an entirely good thing. I was asked if I had any questions or concerns, and I told her I was a little weirded out about the rH thing. So she got me more info about that, and we talked for a while. She explained about the possible side effects of the pills, and how to make sure I do everything right. I was never asked if I was considering adoption, or why I wanted an abortion. It was all just helpful, never condescending or inappropriate. Mostly medical information that I needed to sit down and talk with someone about. I liked her, and she made jokes and stuff. It was very relaxed- which was good, because as she noted, my blood pressure was a little high that day.

She told me I couldn't put anything in my vagina for 2 weeks. No nuva ring, no penis, no tampons, no nothing.

I said, "what, no sex?"

And she said, "just nothing in the vagina, you can have any other kind of sex.."

And I said, "yea, ok. We'll get creative." And she laughed. She was just easy to talk to. Typing that makes me blush (OMG my readers will know I have sex!!) but she was good at her job, so I felt very comfortable talking to her about whatever.

I asked her if it was safe to take prescription pain killers for the pain that were left over from another surgery I had. She said yes, but to check the expiration date. She told me I probably would be fine with just ibuprofen, and that's what she recommends, but told me it wasnt any more un-safe then usual for me to take those painkillers if I felt that I needed them. I'll try ibuprofen, but I've got the stong stuff on backup if needed.

She also told me that most women just stay on the toilet while their uterus empties.. sometimes for several hours, and that I should plan to be occupying the loo for quite a while. This was bad news. I live with 3 dudes, and we only have one bathroom. I wasn't planning on making a house announcement that I would be emptying my uterus, so trying to tell everyone they had to make other arrangements because I was taking over that spot for hours might not work. Well, shit.

I might end up getting a hotel room with my boyfriend. We'll see... that's currently what I am stressing about. Where oh where can I bleed continuously for hours?

So.... then more waiting in the waiting room, then I talked to the doc for a short while (a dude, surprisingly enough). He told me there was a small chance I had an ectopic pregnancy, but he wasnt too worried about it because I was probably just too early for anything to show up on the ultrasound. So he wasnt making me come back in 2 weeks (SWEET!!!).

I asked him more questions about rh, swallowed the pill, got my brown paper bag of other pills to take. The pills I will take tomorrow arent swallowed, they are "buccal" which means you leave them in the side of your cheek until they dissolve. ewww... apparently they taste gross.

Also, before those pills I have to take a suppository for nausea. Suppository means you stick it up your butt. Since you might be nauseous and pukey, having an oral anti nausea thing just might not work. But in some places they will give you oral, other places will give you the butt kind.

I made a followup appointment for 2 weeks later, to make sure things worked and to get birth control. And off I went. The protesters apparently dont stay through the afternoon, at least not on cold days, so I was able to leave the clinic without being bothered.

So, wish me luck tomorrow! I'll keep you updated.

Clinic day- Part 1

So I got a bit of a late start because I couldnt drag my ass out of bed. Rushed through breakfast, my friend (let's call her... K)arrived while I was in the shower, and then off we went. As we drove by the clinic looking for parking I saw a small scattering of protesters (mostly male) and clinic escort volunteers in their bright orange vests. When we walked past the first protester who tried to hand us stuff, we ignored them, continuing our generally upbeat conversation. A clinic escort volunteer moved between us and them and told them "they are walking past you, leave them alone." Thanks, orange-vest man!

I was in a surprisingly good mood, and my boobs weren't hurting for the first time in a week. If I were as grumpy or emo as i had been a few days earlier the protesters might have bothered me, but since I was feeling cheerful, they just sort of entertained me with their ridiculousness. Their sandwich boards, the deep sadness in their delusional eyes, their absurd lie-filled propoganda... it was just so quaint, or something. I had actually picked the location because I thought it would not attract protesters. Being in a very ordinary office building, I figured how could they protest? There are so many reasons to go in here. But alas, they decide to just assume anyone anywhere near the area is there to get un-knocked up. And well, that may be true on saturdays, since a lot of other people dont go to offices on saturdays. And once I got inside, the waiting room was packed and everyone was there for an abortion or abortion follow up appointment. Apparently they dont do abortions and other kinds of appointments on the same days, which is why I've never before seen protesters when I've gone in for regular coochie-snorcher checkups. I always wondered about that...

As I walked passed the last protester before going through the door, I stopped, turned to her, smiled and said one of the following irreverent snarky things:

1) "You are one of god's little accidents."

2) "And how many children have you adopted?"

3) "Too bad Mary didn't abort Jesus."

4) "Oh, come on lady! Like you don't vaccum out the ole' sea monkey tank every now and then!"

5) "I hope it's twins!"

6) Opened up my copy of The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins and read several poignant exerpts since clearly this was the time and place to debate religious views.

The clinic escort was overjoyed, and grinning from ear to ear. The protester was clearly deeply disturbed. It was priceless, and although it is possible the right wing now has me on their kidnap and murder list, I'm glad I said something. They were there to fuck with me, and I fucked with them. Right backatchya bitch!

Friday, December 5, 2008

Tomorrow is Clinic Day!

So... tomorrow is clinic day. The day where I get to wait bajillions hours in a crowded clinic for an ultrasound and mandatory counseling and a pill. And some pills to take home with me.

The ultrasound is to make sure I dont have an ectopic pregnancy. Man, that must suck, especially if you wanted to grow that little cluster of cells into a human. I wonder how pro-lifers feel about ectopic pregnancies.

I'm nervous, but Im not as emotional as I was the first few days. I don't know if it was hormones, or just stress, but I've had some moody grumpy days lately.

I'm worried that the staff at planned parenthood won't be nice(and even more worried that it will make me act like an idiot or get all emotional in front of strangers). I'm worried that I don't have soduko or anything else planned to do while I am there waiting. I'm worried that they will tell me I have to do the surgical kind and to come back later after my sea monkey has grown into a bigger sea monkey... eek!!! I don't like it growing!!! Let's do this shit right away.

I'm also worried I will hemorrhage and die after I take all the pills ("pretty damn unlikely", says the science-y part of my brain) or that I just won't be able to deal with the pain. I'm kind of more squeamish about pain than I was when I was younger maybe because I've had some surgeries and now I kinda know... shit can really really hurt some times. But I'm pretty hopeful this will hurt less in degree and duration then some of the other medical procedures I've gone through. Don't worry, readers... I'll keep you posted. I'll probably distract myself from said pain by typing away to you. Oh, and watching zombie movies.

How come when its us, its abortion, and when it's a chicken... its an omelet?

O George Carlin.... Chickens are good, decent people.


Am I just feeling lazy and sorry for myself? Or is it actually physically harder to move?
I was pretty sure that "feet in molasses" thing I was feeling was just stress and a little bit of a cold (funny, no one else has a cold...). But I'm starting to think it might have something to do with this little fetus that my body is trying very very hard to take excellent care of.

I've been working in the same place for more than a year and a half. I never, ever noticed in that time that the pavement going up to the office was a slight upward incline. But yesterday and this morning it was like, "ughhhh.... I can't make it up this HILL."

Weird, huh?

And now for a rant only tangentially related to abortion

Women and girls are constantly both pressured to be very sexual and demonized for it. Here is a story that really makes me irate: CNN calls young women who send naked pictures to their boyfriends "sex crazed teens".

They were kicked off their school cheerleading team for this (no mention of any consequences for the guys involved). Their parents are suing the school. GOOD FOR THEM!!! We need strong people like that who defend women, girls and the right to privacy. I am behind these families 100% in their efforts to defend thier duaghter's rights. Yet everything in this "news" clip is about how crazy, sick and wrong the parents and girls are.

"Is there just no shame anymore for girls?" Asks judgemental jackass from CNN. Psycholigist makes many excuses for the sexual pressure and negative influences in the girls lives, which may or may not be true. I don't know them, so I cant say. Most girls do have a lot of pressures and bullshit to deal with. But my answer to judgemental jackass would be, "Actually, jackass, women are choosing empowerment over the shame-based morality that patriarch's like you have been hoisting on us. So deal with it. You will be seeing more and more women who are not ashamed because you say they should be for being sexual. Why don't you go cry about it? Also, why is your shirt so shiney? That's a really weird shirt."

There are lots of reasons I can think of not to send naked pictures. Mostly, I would worry they would end up on the internet after a fight or breakup (oops!). But fearing being kicked off a sports team, or punished by a school, employer or what ever else should never EVER be a reason a woman or girl chooses not to express or enjoy her body and sexuality. Taking a picture could have been caving to pressure from the boyfriend, as the psychologist proposes, but maybe it was just fun. Maybe she was feeling really good about herself, and wanted to share something sexy and fun with her boyfriend. There is nothing wrong with that. Kicking someone off a team because they make personal choices different from what most people think they should do IS wrong.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

I stole this from that other lady's awesome abortion blog.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Getting Physical

I didnt know so many changes happened in a woman's body this early in a pregnancy. Here are some of the things that have changed in my body:

1) I felt like I was going to have a temper tantrum if I couldnt have eggs for lunch on monday, before I knew I was pregnant, but suspected. Luckily, I could, but it was a strange feeling. I have been eating tons of eggs, but as soon as I am full food disgusts me.

2) My boobs feel like they have been punched a lot. They are noticeably bigger. I hate that they are so sore, but it is kind of funny that they have grown so much. I hear they go back to their normal size after an abortion.

3) I get cramps, like menstrual cramps, but they only last about 2-3 minutes at a time, and seem to happen about 3 x per day. Not so bad.

That's pretty much it, as far as I've noticed. But enough of an indication for me that this bearing a child thing is no joke, and really hard on the body. Someone in my office told me the other day that an aunt of hers broke the bone in the center of her chest from the pressure of the pregnancy. For whatever reason, she waited 10 years to tell the doctors her chest had been hurting since the pregnancy, and they saw that it had broken and healed in a bad position.

Someone dear to me also told me that with her 3rd pregnancy she didnt notice or even suspect until she was 4 months pregnant. She thought she had a cold she couldnt kick, until something else started kicking.

I guess there are all kinds of ways such things can go.

Just because it is the right decision doesn't mean it is easy

What makes this hard for me is that when I was younger I had hoped that by my mid/late 20's I would be able to have children. I sometimes literally crave to be a parent, and I wish I were in a position financially, emotionally etc where I could just have the baby and be joyful about it. I think I would be a pretty good mom. And someday I probably will be.

But the timing just couldn't be worse, coming in the midst of my partner of 3 and a half years and I hmming and hawing about whether or not we are staying together.
We have talked several times about having kids before this. I had even bossily told him I got to choose the names, which he accepted with a loving grin and kissed my forehead. He liked the names I picked.

Don't get me wrong- this is not me questioning whether or not abortion is ethical or even the right choice for me. If you are feeling confused or unsure about the morality of abortion you may want to read this article: It's not the best essay I've read, but its got the gist of things. This is another one to read:

I'm quite sure I'm making the right decision, it's just that I wish my life were different so I could make a different choice.

A Pinch of Perspective

I found this online, and became much more grateful for those obnoxious little evasive callboxes on suite 400. Thank goodness for suite 400.

Repairing the Damage, Before
Roeby Waldo L. Fielding, M.D.

With the Supreme Court becoming more conservative, many people who support women's right to choose an abortion fear that Roe v. Wade, the 1973 decision that gave them that right, is in danger of being swept aside.

When such fears arise, we often hear about the pre-Roe "bad old days." Yet there are few physicians today who can relate to them from personal experience. I can.

I am a retired gynecologist, in my mid-80s. My early formal training in my specialty was spent in New York City, from 1948 to 1953, in two of the city's large municipal hospitals.

There I saw and treated almost every complication of illegal abortion that one could conjure, done either by the patient herself or by an abortionist — often unknowing, unskilled and probably uncaring. Yet the patient never told us who did the work, or where and under what conditions it was performed. She was in dire need of our help to complete the process or, as frequently was the case, to correct what damage might have been done.

The patient also did not explain why she had attempted the abortion, and we did not ask. This was a decision she made for herself, and the reasons were hers alone. Yet this much was clear: The woman had put herself at total risk, and literally did not know whether she would live or die.

This, too, was clear: Her desperate need to terminate a pregnancy was the driving force behind the selection of any method available.

The familiar symbol of illegal abortion is the infamous "coat hanger" — which may be the symbol, but is in no way a myth. In my years in New York, several women arrived with a hanger still in place. Whoever put it in — perhaps the patient herself — found it trapped in the cervix and could not remove it.

We did not have ultrasound, CT scans or any of the now accepted radiology techniques. The woman was placed under anesthesia, and as we removed the metal piece we held our breath, because we could not tell whether the hanger had gone through the uterus into the abdominal cavity. Fortunately, in the cases I saw, it had not.

However, not simply coat hangers were used. Almost any implement you can imagine had been and was used to start an abortion — darning needles, crochet hooks, cut-glass salt shakers, soda bottles, sometimes intact, sometimes with the top broken off. Another method that I did not encounter, but heard about from colleagues in other hospitals, was a soap solution forced through the cervical canal with a syringe. This could cause almost immediate death if a bubble in the solution entered a blood vessel and was transported to the heart.

The worst case I saw, and one I hope no one else will ever have to face, was that of a nurse who was admitted with what looked like a partly delivered umbilical cord. Yet as soon as we examined her, we realized that what we thought was the cord was in fact part of her intestine, which had been hooked and torn by whatever implement had been used in the abortion. It took six hours of surgery to remove the infected uterus and ovaries and repair the part of the bowel that was still functional.

It is important to remember that Roe v. Wade did not mean that abortions could be performed. They have always been done, dating from ancient Greek days.

What Roe said was that ending a pregnancy could be carried out by medical personnel, in a medically accepted setting, thus conferring on women, finally, the full rights of first-class citizens — and freeing their doctors to treat them as such.

Waldo L. Fielding was an obstetrician and gynecologist in Boston for 38 years. He is the author of "Pregnancy: The Best State of the Union" (Thomas Y. Crowell, 1971).

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Actually making the appointment

So once they realized why I was there, they let me through the door so I could actually have a private conversation. That was a relief. And then I actually felt like I was in the kind of space I expected Planned Parenthood to be.
The woman I talked to repeated the things I had read online about the different kinds of abortions and the prices. I would have preferred a surgical abortion, but they are most effective if you wait a bit longer into the pregnancy, and frankly, I couldn't wait to be not-pregnant again. She told me they only can do it on certain days of the week, and that I would be in the clinic for 5-7 hours regardless of which method I chose. She recorded the info from my insurance card, and was generally a pretty nice and easy to talk to person. But I was still feeling a little edgy and standoffish after having spent such a ridiculous amount of time attempting to make an appointment for something that was pretty time sensitive. She asked me if I had an idea of how far along I was, and I told her my last period was only just over a month ago. I told her I wanted a medical abortion. The other advantage of this is that the actual abortion could be done at home, and since no one here had convinced me yet that this was really a space where I could or would be comfortable, I didnt really want to do the thing there.

The most difficult thing she told me was that I could bring one adult with me. This made perfect sense, but then immediately made me stressed out about choosing a person. I'm lucky enough to have a whole gaggle of loving supportive friends who would be happy to go with me. These lovely people who I am so lucky and grateful to have in my life are all very wonderful. I didnt want to choose one. Its not that I wanted a crew with me, I didnt, I just didnt want to have to pick someone.

Making the Appointment

This turned out to be harder than I expected.
First thing I did after taking the test and yelling at my boyfriend was call my local Planned Parenthood. I left a message saying I needed to make an appointment for an abortion, and repeated my name and phone number slowly so they could clearly hear everything.
The next morning, I decided to call again, but as luck would have it, my phone battery was dying and I couldnt find my charger.
Later that day I went out to lunch with a couple of good friends, and figured I should call from one of their phones.
We called 411, and for whatever reason, their phone's 411 was set to be in Spanish. And I don't speak Spanish, nor did anyone else at the table. Eventually we were connected to the number anyway, but it was busy, so we had to call 411 again and this time I got the bilingual person who answered the phone to tell me the number so I could write it down.
We tried to call for about an hour, without getting passed the busy signal.
Eventually my friend suggested we just go in person to the clinic and make an appointment there. So we went.
It was in a very ordinary office building, which I liked, because it seemed pretty protest proof. "Smart choice of location," I thought.
There were 2 doors with identical call boxes, and identical door labels which read "Planned Parenthood Suite 400".
I asked my friend, who had been there for gyno appointments many times before, "which door?"
And she replied, "Oh, they are both the same. They have 2 waiting rooms but they both go to the same place."
We rang the little bell and the callbox asked why we were there. Instead of saying something, I simply thought to myself "I hate call boxes, and I am not interested in telling this callbox that I am irresponsible and got knocked up."
So I stood there silently and luckily my friend took over and said "I'm here to make an appointment."
Silence for about 30 seconds.
"Ok," said the callbox,"someone will let you through the other door in a minute."
We stood in the hallway making small talk for about 5 minutes, and then rang the other doorbell. This time my friend started talking immediately so I didnt even have to consider talking to the call box. "We are here to make an appointment," she told callbox 2.
"Ok, someone someone will let you through the other door in a minute" said callbox 2.
If my friend had not been gone to this place before, I would have concluded this was not actually a planned parenthood. Where was my feminist superhero there to be supportive and helpful and empowering and all that? Wasnt that why I had donated $5 per month for several years, even when I was in school and jobless?
I had heard about those fake planned parenthoods that right wingers set up to trick people, and this seemed like one of those. I wasnt expecting flowers and sunshine upon my arrival, but I thought it wouldnt be like... this.
Eventually, door next to callbox 2 buzzed angrily as if to say, "fine... I'm unlocking... but im not happy about it." And we went in. (Yes, I understand that personifying doors is not really sensible, but that is how it seemed.)
It was a small waiting room with a hanful of people reading magazines and a little counter with glass, like at a bank or a liquor store in the bad side of town.
After I stood there awkwardly waiting to be acknowledged for several minutes, I was handed a piece of paper to fill out. Fairly simple- name, check box labelled "new patient." I gave it back to her, and was told to have a seat. I reminded her that I just needed to maked an appointment and she uh-huhed.
So we sat. My 2 friends were sitting across from me and rolling their eyes in obvious disgust of what they were reading. I wanted to see it to, and they brought it over to show me. It was a pamphlet about how many babies had been killed by abortions between 1965 and 2006. It has lists of how many potential hairdressers, priests, and other various professionals we would have if not for abortion. It even said we would have had 2 more US presidents, which made me smile. I think they don't fully understand the political system. We read the 4 page pamphlet about the evils of abortion, including statistics about how many more "abortion mills" are found in low income communities to victimize them.
After about 45 minutes, my name was called. I went back to the window.
"Ok, what are you here for?" She asked.
"To make an appointment," I said.
She looked frustrated, and I bet she often has to work too hard and has to deal with many difficult people. But I still resented her for making this so difficult. "An appointment for what?" she said.
With an acute awareness that everyone in this small intimate waiting room was listening to our conversation, and thoroughly resenting that, I said, "for an abortion."

Finding Out

When we were fooling around, I noticed that my boobs hurt, and said so to my partner.
"Oh," he said, "I'm sorry- am I being too rough?"
"No," I said, "they just kind of feel sore for some reason."
Of course, what I was thinking was "they feel sore because I am pregnant." But since I always think I am pregnant for 2 days before my period- even when we have been really good about condoms and everything- I figured there wasn't much point in sharing what I was thinking.
The next night I was crampy, and thought, "yup, I'll get my period tomorrow morning."

Well, I guess if you read the title of the blog it sort of ruins the suspense, but I didn't. And my boobs by that point were starting to hurt pretty much all the time. And that wasnt really typical pre-menstrual stuff for me. I was pretty sure of what was going on. Ever hopeful, I stuck my finger up there just to be sure there wasnt some tiny trickle of blood somewhere. Nope. I decided I would wait one more day before taking a pregnancy test because 1) I have thought I was pregnant for no good reason on many occasions, and maybe boobs just feel bad from time to time. 2) I'm a penny pincher, and pregnancy tests aren't free.

So that was the plan, but I ended up taking the test as soon as I came home from work. So... there it was. Exactly what I expected, but definitely not what I was hoping for.